Terrible year so far. Nothing achieved, nothing gained.

I don’t have much of a childhood. After listening to some advertisement on Malaysia radio regarding how young people nowadays only care about image, I think it’s very true too. When I was young in Primary school, I was always around those kids from better to do families. Not saying that they are rich, but they’ve got the luxury to buy some branded goods every now and then. I remember Billabong, Quicksilver was the trend then. Everyone had to carry a Billabong wallet and sport some Quicksilver pencil case. If you didn’t have one, you’re probably out of trend.

And during that time, my pocket money was a measly $1 for recess and if I had to stay back for lunch, $2.50. I’d used to bluff my mother I had CCA (even though the CCA closed down) so that I could eat lunch in school with friends or Khairul, the technician at that time who treated me as if I was his son. He’d used to top up my pocket money with a dollar a day or so, even though he had like 7 kids and already under maximum stress keeping them in school, fed and paying for his car. I admire his love for children. Unlike my mother, who refused to let me go to my neighbour’s house and have fun, who refused to go watch a class movie with everyone wearing a class t-shirt. I remembered I argued with her for money to pay for my one and only FMPS year book, while everyone have like 6 of them. I never understood why my parent’s couldn’t afford the luxuries for me which every other child is entitled to. Eating outside was a privilege to me, every once in a while.

Today, working so hard for every single cent I earn, I understand what it’s like to spend money on useless things. Such as cutting hair. So what if my hair looks ugly and you don’t like it? I save like $12 which could be better put to use like buy lunch. I understand why discounts and sales are so important, why I should not spend unnecessarily like take bus home when I can just wait 2h to hitch a ride. If you’ve never been poor, poor till you cannot afford to go take bus, you’ll never know why people like me can crazy until think that cut hair is waste money. And people who like to go around saying “oh you don’t know what it’s like to be poor”, fuck you. I know I’m not poor till I got no house to stay or what crap, I’m not poor so hardcore but at least, I earn my own money, don’t need to ask for cash to live life, and can still survive day to day. I don’t need to know sleep on the streets (done that before though) to know what’s the feeling of being poor.

And on the last note, I don’t know if my parents have any negative feelings about their son never being at home anymore. Considering once upon a time my mother would come to the school gate to collect me so as to ensure I don’t mix with “those neighborhood kids”. I guess it’s retribution to them for being so restrictive, now that I drink hardcore, never eat at home anymore (not as if there’s anything to eat either), and oh well, too many to list.

One day if I ever become a parent, of which is highly unlikely since I’ve been living a loner life for the past countless years, I’d probably encourage my kid to fuck off from the house get outside into the sun and make love with women he doesn’t know. Or if she’s a daughter, go to the club and don’t come home before 6am. Come on, who wants their kid to look like some retard wearing super high pants and buck tooth with their ass so fat your front door needs roller shutters. Not me definitely.

Well, thoughts of a disillusioned teen with a missing childhood.